/sarcasm

Modern guidelines for valuing a tech company in an M&A:

– The technology asset is worth $3-5M, no matter what it is.

– Higher AWS bill = better product.

– EBITDA is not important, you can ignore that.

– What’s the QoQ revenue growth for the last 8 quarters? Doesn’t matter if margins are going down. Only revenue growth matters.

– More employees = better company. Obviously.

– Valuation should be directly proportional to venture capital raised.

– You have a remote engineering team in the US? Why not go offshore or nearshore?

– Make sure it’s an asset deal, not a stock deal, so that you can write it off but the founders get double-taxed.

– Design earnouts such that they are unachievable.